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A word of warning: This post is about going to the bathroom. Some of the more intimate details of the activity are discussed in detail. Despite my attempt to veil some of the more colorful aspects of using the can, this post really is a bit gross. Continue at your own risk, as you’ve been warned.
Hopefully, this has never happened to you. It can be among the scariest situations in which you’ll find yourself - parked on the throne only to discover that, yes, there’s no toilet paper.
Now, normally you’d make sure that all the necessary supplies were present before beginning the evacuation process, but sometimes mitigating factors force you to omit this part of the procedure. For instance, you’re sitting at your desk and last night’s enchiladas with extra jalapeños decides that it’s time to make a hasty exit. You stand up and, while trying to contain your terror as best you can, do an accelerated power walk to the nearest restroom. Normal pleasantries are forgone, obviously, as you scamper to the nearest commode to expel the vile spirit. Rushing in, you pay no attention to seat covers, toilet paper, even the locking of the stall door. Dropping trow, you violently lob yourself onto the seat and relax that oh-so-important muscle. Sweet relief.
And that, my friend, is when you’ll come to the realization. The bum-wipe has been depleted and you’re sitting there wondering how the hell you got into this mess in the first place. But fear not, my friends, you do have options. Now, bear in mind, your goal here is not to get absolutely clean. You merely want to give yourself a good once-over, enough to where you won’t soil your under-lovelies in transit to the next stall.
- Seat Covers - This is your first choice. Though, if the cleaning staff has failed to replenish the toilet paper, chances are you’re staring at an empty seat cover box as well. If there are seat covers available, they will do just fine. They will be quite uncomfortable, but they will get the job done. Just make sure you realize that seat covers have an entirely different feel and, if handled incorrectly, could do some minor damage to the old o-ring. On the plus side, these are flushable so you won’t need to make an embarrassing deposit into the garbage can as you leave.
- Check Your Wallet/Pockets - Got an old business card in there? Perhaps a receipt from the grocery store? Remember, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you do choose to use something of this variety, please know that it is possible for something this small to go down the tubes when flushed (though, it could also stop it up). This option also runs the risk of rear main seal damage, especially if you choose to employ a business card or something else with similar rigidity.
- Phone a Friend - Normally, I’m a strict (almost maniacal) opponent of any type of conversation in the restroom, but this is serious business, so an exception must be made. If you happen to hear/notice a neighbor in an adjacent stall, you might ask for help. In order to avoid actually saying anything, you could simply cough loudly and toss the empty roll under the partition to indicate “man, I’m in serious trouble”. Any man with the slightest bit of compassion will either lob over an extra roll (if one is available) or hand you a generous wad from his side of the wall. This Samaritan will also, hopefully, know that this is never to be spoken of again. If he just fell off the turnip truck and has no idea what to do about an empty roll, a simple loud cough followed by “help” will probably do the trick.
- Absolute Last Resort - If you’ve arrived at this step and have exhausted all previous options, I must warn you: this is disgusting and you will cringe at the thought of it. But, again, you should be more concerned with swabbing the deck than with anything else. Your move right now is to remove one of your shoes, followed by the corresponding sock. That is your weapon. I know, it’s repulsive - but, again, consider your situation. Once you’ve finished, it is imperative that you dispose of the soiled article and get the hell out of the bathroom as fast as you possibly can (not without washing your hands, though - especially after what you’ve just done). Your only other option is to leave your current stall, put the sock in the trash, and relocate to a properly-stocked stall to complete the cleanup process (and thereby avoiding incriminating yourself). Either way you choose to handle it, it’s important that nobody see you carry a poop-laden sock from the stall to the garbage. If they do, look forward to chiding and crap-based nicknames for the coming months.
Again, I sincerely hope nobody ever has to use this information, but it should come in handy if you do.
Technorati Tags: bathroom, toilet paper, emergencies, lifehacks
originally posted by me at The Bathroom Blog
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13 Responses to “When There’s No Toilet Paper: Avoiding a Descent into Savagery”
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Thank you for adding to my anxiety about public washrooms. You’ve just placed a whole load of images in my mind that I’ve never considered. I should have paid more attention to your warning at the beginning of the post. Too late!
Also they are the following options.
1.) Don’t wipe and just go home
2.) If you are at home use a wash cloth
3.) Paper towels (Yes, I know this would cause a clog)
4.) A ripped t-shirt
5.) Always take reading material in with you. - Just in case
You’re not supposed to go to the bathroom in public restrooms, silly civilians.
As an alternative to the sock, if you happen to be wearing underwear, that can serve an equally effective ally. It is less conspicuous than walking around with one sock, and going commando is a barrel of fun.
Just watch your nads if you decide to go for a slash before having chance to ‘re-equip’ yourself.
Although, taking a dump in a public lavvy really should be avoided. I suppose it’s better than browning yourself. Marginally.
hopefully this won’t get popular, but in a pinch, the toilet paper tube works good enough. (especially if you carry around some sort of knife to cut the thicker ones).
If you left with a little piece of paper, make a small hole in the middle and put your finger. Clean your stuff with the finger and then pull the paper up to clean your finger. You don’t even have to wash!!!!! hehehe.
You do realize that half the world wipes with their hand, and then washes it afterwards, right?
But for the rest of us, here’s a simple way to avoid this problem. I hate the toilet seat covers, but I do like to have a pee free seat when I sit, so I take a sheet of toilet paper and wipe the bowl first, then sit. That way you always know that there is still TP left, since your first move was to take a sheet. I’ve never needed to sacrifice a sock since this method is now habit for me.
ditto: most of the world ‘toilet paper’ is a bowl of water and your hand. I have had a worse situation BAD runners trots ie, you have to shit like crazy when running - with no bathroom in reasonable distance. It was just an uncomfortable run home, and straight into the shower.
[...] mindset when using the stuff can go a long way. (Brett’s got a great related article on what to do if/when you run out. [...]
Hey, Its true that half of the worlds population don’t use toilet rolls.
In India, toilet rolls are mostly used in big offices and in metros (only extra rich people), not only because of the cost effect, but it’s not there in the traditional way.
But obviously, cleaning hand neatly after the exit is compulsory. What if you don’t find soap after that? Here’s the great and well acknowledge (and tried) solution: “soil”. Put a large amount on your hand, rub it well, get it cleaned with water. Your done.
The best “hands off” solution is to flush,then lift the seat and plunk your bum into the bowl and flush again as many times as required,if you are lucky you will be sitting in one of those roaring gonad blasters…you will feel clean and refreshed…a few bum blots against the wall,and your good to go with nary a trace of your ordeal. When your back home you can perform a suitable prophylaxis proceedure of your choosing.Maybe a witch hazel rinse and a good soak.
Scatalogical profanity of the original piece and comments is truly amazing.
Well, I do not any other way of saying! If the toilet’s water (flush) tank has a lid and is open-able you have access to stored water.
Hilarious post, and sadly, all too true. My solution? Carry around a pocket-sized pack of tissues. They don’t work as spectacularly as normal toilet paper, but they’re portable and useful in a pinch.