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10 Ways You Will Change When You Become a Parent
My Wife and Daughter
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My Wife and Daughter
Just about every Thursday of every week, I get together with my brother to roast coffee, drink beer and have a few laughs. We hang out his house, are accosted by his two Bassett hounds and just sorta chew the fat and hang out. We always have a good time, indeed.
But one thing I’ve recently noticed during our weekly hang-out period (as well as other social events at the homes of non-parents) is how differently I behave now that I am myself a parent. Some of them are terribly subtle, but they really shine through depending on where I am and what I’m doing. What kinds of things do I mean? Well, let’s just dive right into the list…
- Sensitivity to Noise - When you’re spending a good deal of time trying to get a baby to go to sleep, you’re going to make damn sure that you do everything in your power to not wake that kid up. That could mean anything from avoiding certain rooms or even parts of the house to using a totally inconvenient door just because it’s quieter than the closest one.
Using the above anecdote involving my brother, their front door sounds like bank vault door when someone closes it. I cringe every time this happens.
- Keen Awareness of the Location of Potentially Dangerous Items - I swear that no matter whose house I’m in - if I see a steak knife or scissors on the edge of the counter (reachable by an imaginary child), I’ll slide them away from the edge without even thinking about it. It becomes reflexive, especially when you have a toddler.
- Sensitivity to Silence - This is something most people have heard of before, but it bears repeating. Anytime your kid(s) are awake and supposedly playing or something, a long period of silence might as well be a fire alarm in a movie theater. You’ll stop in the middle of flipping your fried egg and perk up your ears, listening for the kids. If you don’t hear them for 2-3 seconds, you’re suddenly tearing ass around the house/yard looking for them. Usually they turn up, thankfully, but silence can sometimes indicate bad stuff is afoot.
- Relative Immunity to Annoyance at Crying Babies - We’ve all been here, I’m sure. Sitting in a restaurant or an airplane and the sound of a crying baby pierces your eardrums like a hot needle. Oftentimes, this noise will continue incessantly, sometimes for hours (assuming the plane scenario). The difference is, non-parents will mutter under their breath about how “that parent needs to shut their kid the hell up” or “man, I’m never going to let my kid do that”. The parents, on the other hand, are aware of it, but know the deal and try their best to continue their life without letting it get to them. (This isn’t to say that parents aren’t occasionally annoyed by this as well - but it’s usually when the kid’s parents are pretending it isn’t happening)
- All of a Sudden, Everybody Driving Faster than You is a Fricking Maniac - Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the guy doing the speed limit spot on - I’ve been known to kick it up a bit when on the freeway in light/no traffic. I’m talking about the folks who fly down my street doing 35-40 MPH. Before, I’d scoff and make some comment about them compensating for something or other. Now I just get flat-out pissed and plot to call the police or something. Note: I haven’t actually called the cops yet, as I haven’t quite reached that level of “coot”.
- You Ride with Me, You Put on Your Damn Seatbelt - This one bugs the crap out of some of my friends. Before having kids, my seatbelt was a pretty optional thing. If I remembered, I’d put it on - but I frequently forgot or just plain didn’t feel like it. Now that I spend a good 2-5 minutes getting both of my kids strapped safely into their respective seats, you can bet your bottom dollar that you’re putting yours on, too.
- People Walking with Strollers are to be Protected at All Costs - I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out walking my kids in what we’ve dubbed our “limo stroller” (because it’s the size of a freakin’ Cadillac) and have started to cross the street in a crosswalk, only to have somebody either peel around the corner ahead of us or stop close enough to make me very uncomfortable. I’m not saying that mistakes don’t happen and sometimes you have to swerve out of the way to avoid hitting people/things, but just know that people with strollers are carrying their most prized cargo and will go absolutely bat-sh*t crazy on you if you so much as touch said cargo. Maybe that’s just me…
- Sleeping In? HAH! - Perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, but trust me - your days of staying up until 2am drinking with your buddies and then sleeping until noon the following day are over, my friend. In fact, even when I do get to sleep in (say, on my birthday or something), I can’t make myself sleep past 8:30am or so. You now have a semi-permanent alarm clock without a snooze button - and it wants something to eat
- You Pretty Much Like All Kids - Every time a friend or acquaintance has a new baby, I can’t wait to see the pictures, hear about the name choices and see the parent’s huge grin (usually sitting below very tired eyes). Now that you know what a joy it is to have children, you can easily relate to somebody who is experiencing it, too.
- News Stories about Missing Children Will Make You Sick - Sadly, these types of things appear on the radio and television far too frequently, but they do happen. Non-parent might think something like, “Man - that sucks. Hope they find that kid.”, and a parent (especially if they have a child close in age to the one in question) will feel a tightness in their chest and a bowling ball in their stomach at the very thought of that happening to them. (Note: this isn’t meant to call non-parents insensitive or anything, just saying that they can’t typically relate).
I’m sure some of the more veteran parents out there (I’m looking at you, Leo) can expand on this list for days. Obviously, not all of these are cheerful, happy little emotions you inherit when your kids are born, but I feel it’s a pretty accurate list. At least, it is for me.
Got any others that I missed? Let me know in the comments!
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33 Responses to “10 Ways You Will Change When You Become a Parent”
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Word on #10! I have an almost-three-year-old daughter, and the recent news about the girl on the video tape has made me simultaneously sick, sad, and angry.
[...] 10 Ways You Will Change When You Become a Parent - [CrankingWidgets] digg_url = ‘http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/10-ways-new-parents-change.html’; ( function() { var ds=typeof digg_skin==’string’?digg_skin:”; var h=80; var w=52; if(ds==’compact’) { h=18; w=120; } var u=typeof digg_url==’string’?digg_url:(typeof DIGG_URL==’string’?DIGG_URL:window.location.href); document.write(”"); } )() Author: Craig Childs Posted: Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007 at 9:56 am Tags: family Bookmark or Share this with a friend! [...]
Great article, I can relate to each point. When my son was about 6 month old, he used to cry all the time and the wife and me found that rocking him gently in the stroller helped. This is how I have developed a new habit, while in supermarket, I catch myselft gently rocking the shopping cart back and forth. People who never had kids must think I am crazy or someting
@Paul
That’s really funny that you mention that - at my last job I’d occasionally have to manage some of the servers, which meant standing in front of a rack in an ice-cold room. I’d often catch myself swaying gently, the same way I’d do it when trying to get my son to fall asleep!
Related to #10, being a parent elevates all the crimes against children. Breaks my heart to hear about children being treated badly, abused, neglected. There’s always a part of me that wants the authorities to treat crimes against children as capital offenses.
Ok, many of these are good points.
But liking any kid ?
NO WAY !
Maybe, any baby, lol !
And the silence when baby is sleeping bit- sensitivity to noise ?
That’s a HUGE mistake.
Seriously, we all learn tricks with our firstborns only to find that his younger sister or 3rd in line brother does not respond to our new ideas at all- does not toilet train the same way, or at the same time, firstborn was no-pacifier, and we are so proud - until little sis won’t sleep without screaming unless she has one,lol !
So- believe me when I say - silence for a sleeping baby is a big mistake.
Your baby has just spent 9 months in a very noisy environment - your womb.
I put my newborn down to sleep in the bassinet in the living room, and later, in his room in a crib with the radio on, and my chatter to friends and family in the background.
I made all the home noises I always had- and I did the same with next two kids - by then, active toddler/s made MORE noise !
My kids - all three - go to bed on time, sleep at night, and don’t wake up when life goes on around them.
The best recipe for a sleepless baby and a walking on eggshells atmosphere is a quiet home when baby goes to sleep.
Agree with you on al of them especially #10, I’ve been followinf the recent UK Madeline case very closely. Before I had kids I was a lot like you mentioned ’shit happens mentality’, I’ve changed now and have on occasion cried reading some of these terrible news stories. My wife won’t even look at them as they disturb her so much.
I’d also add: baby is in bed and you have been up 3 times to cuddle and calm him, after a while you develop the “I am not going up again to check on him/her” attitude.
also the “you broke your favourite toy I am not buying you a toy ever again” menality which usually lasts 2 hours tops.
ummm, spoken to wife/husband “I’m chucking out that damn disney film, if I have to watch it again”.
Got millions more but would never go back to not having them, my life is so much richer with them…. did I just say that? Gosh!
You should add this one. It’s about how you would do stuff for your kids that you wouldn’t normally do for yourself. Normally I would not go on the more adventurous rides at the amusement park. Negative associations when I got sick on one ride a long time ago. My daughter finally convinced me to go on one. I was more worried about her on the ride than myself!
Good stuff, Brett. I will add that you will find yourself shocked at the amount of poopie-related discussion that goes on in your home. Our son (3 y.o.) has had some - um - poopie issues as he generally won’t eat any foods with fiber. (As an aside, your kid can poop EVERY DAY and still be constipated! The things you learn as a parent…) As a result, Miralax has become a staple in our house. The trouble is finding the right dosage amount and frequency.
“Did he have a poop today?”
“When was the last time he pooped?”
“Was it hard or soft?”
These are all questions that my wife and I may discuss around the dinner table.
My daughter (7 months) thankfully has no such issues. Two or three poops a day are not unusual. Takes after her dad.
Oh yes, I can relate to all of these, #10 included. I signed up to get Amber Alerts texted to my cel phone last year; at the time, my conscious thoughts were vaguely civic-minded, but reading this post, it occurs to me that the fact I had a kid of my own (he’s 18 months now) was the deciding factor (why else had I not done it before?).
@Scott - Benafiber… one in the morning and one in the evening for our 7 year old… works wonders as long as we make him sit at the same time (early evening) and give him a Sports Illustrated (I’m so proud ;))
One more thing to add,
(Typically with a 2 year old around you)You are suddenly concious of what you are watching on the TV. It has been atleast 4 months since I watched Seinfeld episodes which I used to do regularly before my kid started to pick up words from the episodes. Now I am even afraid to channel surf with him around. And PG-13 and above are totally banned at home.
[...] 10 Ways You Will Change When You Become a Parent - [CrankingWidgets] [...]
this article should be re-titled “10 reasons having kids will make your life suck”
enjoy ur babies
i couldnt have explained my point any better…. except for the comments ppl are adding…just re-read it with that title in mind
@el
With an attitude like that, I’m pretty hopeful you won’t be having children. I personally love my kids to death and don’t consider them to be anything resembling a burden. I’m sad that you’ll likely never experience it - or perhaps you’ll change your mind after you finish high school.
Have a nice day.
I don’t have kids (yet) either, but this list makes me look forward to it more than anything! All you swaying dads are adorable - I never realized that happened but I’ll keep an eye out for it in the supermarket from now on
Brett,
As a 36-year-old non-parent, I take issue with your implication that lack of interest in parenthood connotes immaturity. If anything, it takes a special kind of maturity to chart one’s own life path and do what one knows deep down is right for them.
Even if it is a different path than others take.
Even if it means being mocked by people like you.
[...] blogger (and fellow Dad x 2!) Brett has posted a great list of the 10 Ways You Will Change When You Become a Parent. My personal favs: 2. Keen awareness of the location of potentially dangerous items. 5. All of a [...]
And this is precisely why the “children as pets” mentality rules. If you actually need to have a kid to wake up to these 10 points, then you shouldn’t have kids in the first place. As a 42-year-old gay man, I have the awareness and appreciation for most of your ‘top 10′. I haven’t slept in since I was a junior in high-school. I was brought up with the sense that you don’t mess with kids in strollers. I’ve always known that silence is golden. I wear my seat belt because I know that it saves lives. I don’t speed in my car because it’s not safe and it’s better for the environment.
If you actually need children in your life to teach you these lessons, then perhaps you also need cancer to appreciate the value of a ticking clock? The hour before the sun rises? The smell of fresh bread? The color of the first leaves of Spring?
STOP procreating to have little status symbols. Learn to appreciate what you have right now.
So true Nick, so true ..
@Amber
You clearly misunderstood what I was saying. I don’t think not having children implies a lack of maturity, but I do think that people who say things like:
*are* immature. Whether or not someone chooses to procreate is entirely up to them - and I don’t really care if they do or not. My point is that blanket statements about how having kids “sucks” (or “rules”, for that matter) are dumb and are a sign of immaturity. I love my kids and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but I’m not so foolish as to believe that the same is true of everybody else on the planet.
#9: I don’t like all kids. Not that mine is perfect but at least he’s mine.
#10: I now have trouble watching movies where children are in harm’s way; the scene from The Sixth Sense where we discover the little girl is being poisoned by her mom would really freak me out now.
[...] 10 Ways You Will Change When You Become a Parent · The Cranking Widgets Blog (tags: babies baby children life lifehacker lifehacks social tips parenting) [...]
I with Brett on the “standing and swaying” thing.
And Nick, why is it always gays who go with the tired cliche of “don’t procreate, have pets”? Yes, all those points raised above might be seen as tiresome, burdens, etc, but that’s because they’re only half the story.
The items missing:
#11 I’ve never felt so much joy as the first time my (now 2 year old) son said Daddy.
#12 I’ve never laughed so hard as when I tickle him and he loves it and asks for more
#13 I’ve never worked so hard at improving myself (despite having a passing familiarity with a lot of personal development material) than since I became a dad.
#14 I’ve never looked forward to doing new things (camping, sailing, etc) as I do now (when he’s eventually old enough).
#15 I’ve never felt so proud as times like last night when he finally sussed out how jigsaws work, and he sat playing for 10 minutes doing jigsaws, showing me what he’d managed to accomplish each time, uttering a little cheer and waving his hands in the air (like we do) each time he completed one.
“Learn to appreciate what you have right now.” I do. I appreciate the silence, the lie-in till 7:00, etc. And I also appreciate the points raised above. And the smell of fresh bread, the sight of blossom in April, a crisp blue-sky autumn morning, a nice cup of hot tea and a cake, and so much more that doesn’t involve my boy.
So take your “I’m holier than thou” crap and stick it where the sun don’t shine, you patronizing little man.
Regarding your “kids are status symbols” rant, yes, your point is true for a section of society (the middle-class wannabes) and unfortunately, that’s very true in the area I live in. But we don’t all fit into the same bucket.
And for other people who say “I chose not to have kids, and I find your ‘kids are my world’ attitude sucks”, I sympathise. I didn’t want to be a dad till I was in my early 30s, when I met a woman who I actually thought would be good enough to be the mother to any kids we might have. Before that, there was no way I was bringing up someone with the girlfriends I had. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them, they were great people, they just wouldn’t have been great mothers. So I know where you’re coming from. Even now, people who eulogise about their kids make me want to go to a corner and puke, the same way as people that eulogise about any way of life to the exclusion of others (overly-religious people, overly camp gays, overly macho “beer, sports, and cars” men, overly “pink and fluffy” women, etc) so I make a point not to rave about mine.
At least until someone starts the whole “I chose not to have kids or I can’t have kids, therefore I appreciate life for REAL reasons” rant…
Andy
I agree whole heartedly with Andy, especially the part about Nick being a ‘patronizing little man’. Why does there always have to be someone who deliberately misinterprets what’s really being said just to get some airplay and feel a bit powerful. Let me tell ya Nick, you just wasted some comment space.
Great thread.
I’d like to ask a question of the readers that are parents. Did you make a deliberate decision to have your own biological children v. adopt? If so, what factors led you to make the decision you did? If not, how important is it to you that your child is/is not your natural child? Would you feel differently if they were/were not?
I’m curious because I’m coming from a very different perspective, and I want to understand your point of view. I’m committed to not having children of my own for environmental reasons: I feel that the world is already overpopulated, and making more people, especially in a country whose lifestyle practically requires above-the-global-average resource consumption, only makes matters worse. To me, this seems to be an important message, and I’d like to know how much prospective parents consider it.
I should clarify that although I’m personally committed to not making more people, and that I think the world would be better off if more people shared this view, it’s also very clear to me that the world desperately needs good parents, biological or not. Without you, the future would be much grimmer. It’s so encouraging to see such dedication to parenting.
My dilemma is that I never discuss these perspectives with anyone, because, being a non-parent, I feel that it is rather patronizing. Who am I to lecture would-be parents if I’m not one myself? (I don’t feel personally drawn to parenting because I’m too energized by other activities that are incompatible with it.) These are emotional issues, and there is already enough misunderstanding between the pro-parent and, um, pro-non-parent camps. Yet, I wonder if I’m too quick to self-censor — if the primary reason most new parents don’t consider adoption and don’t consider the environmental impact of pregnancy is simply unawareness of the issues, then maybe I’m doing the world a serious disservice by not speaking up. Even if it means being perceived as patronizing.
Thanks for reading. I think about this a lot, but this is the first time I’ve written anything about it. I’d love to read any responses.
Ed,
I’ll be honest. My girlfriend and I became pregnant by accident, so it wasn’t really an adoption at that point to adopt. However, we are talking about a second, and don’t plan to adopt, unless we find ourselves unable to conceive.
Would we have adopted if we’d thought about it? Probably not. I’d like to think that if we did adopt, I would treat the child any different to my own, but the fact that I wouldn’t consider adoption unless it’s the only way to have a second child,…. well, that shows where my true feelings lie.
Hope that helps,
Andy
Do people just scroll around looking for ways to misinterpret things? Having known Brett personally for years I have to say some of ya’ll went on some pretty interesting rants. It really makes you all look like douche bags for taking things so out of context. It’s just a simple post about the simple things that occur after parenthood that maybe in your early 20’s you didn’t really care about or think about. No biggie really.
I also agree about loving other peoples kids cause I sure love yours!!!
@Andy “#14 I’ve never looked forward to doing new things (camping, sailing, etc)”
Don’t put things off. My son went on his first camping trip at 6 months of age and loved it. He was just big enough to enjoy bouncing on the air mattress. After he was old enough to walk he loves outdoors even more and now state parks and forests are our normal weekend destination.
I realized this one long before but others tend to when they have kids. “You Put on Your Damn ” Potty mouth is not free speech and is completely unnecessary. Too many people take the easy road and use swear words instead of making an effort to communicate intelligently. One of these days your kids will get in trouble for speaking that way in shcool.
@ Ed
There’s one huge difference: After you have a kid (biologically or adopted) the costs are about the same. But adopting a kid is an enormous expense. It can also take years. And when my husband and I were looking into it, we also discovered that public adoption from a state facility would have meant taking a child with sometimes overwhelming special needs. When you have your own, you roll the dice as to whether they’ll have those same special needs (although you can avoid things like crack-addicted, abused children), but with the public adoption, it’s almost a guarantee. You can also foster kids, but with the fear always in mind that they could be taken away from you.
We try to have a minimal impact on the environment, and we did consider the decision. If we have a second (replacement value, right?) we will likely adopt. But adoption ultimately looked a lot scarier and more expensive than we were prepared for. That said, my thanks and admiration to anyone who did take on those challenges.
My personal take on #10… I work at a TV news station, and every tragic story about a kid, from birth to 20 years old, yanks at my gut, and just feeds a general sense of anxiety about being a parent. Of course, I don’t watch TV news at home, and then I feel much better.
As a mother of two and another one on the way, I totally relate to this list.
I do have to say, though, that I’ve learned that you shouldn’t get your kids used to needing silence to go to sleep. They need to be able to sleep through normal household noise (mine sleep through dogs barking, for instance). What I do stay vigilantly on guard for is sudden, loud, unusual noises. Like if someone leaves the volume on the TV on loud, turns it off, and then when you turn it on you get blasted with noise.
I also get very emotional about crimes against children and how disasters affect children. I’m also really mad when crime shows on TV have plots involving crimes against children. I really worry about the audience getting desensitized when it comes to how precious children are.
I noticed in the comments that someone is concerned about the environmental impact of bringing more kids into the world. I shared this concern, as when I was single I believed I wouldn’t bring children into this cruel, ugly world. Now I’m going to be the mother of three - and on purpose, too. Why the change of heart? Because I’ve realised that what the world needs is more good, kind, loving people - and that’s what I’m trying my best to raise my kids to be. And they do make the world a better, brighter place.
Some things you just can’t understand until you are a parent.