The Cranking Widgets Blog

(Disclosure: I don’t work for Tivo or anything)

Before you dismiss this notion out of hand, I invite you to examine this hypothetical situation…

Tom and his wife Jane are seated in the living room. As per usual, Jane is in possession of the coveted remote control and happens upon yet another rerun of the classic 90’s sitcom, Friends. Tom, most annoyed, makes his feelings known in the form of a loud sigh and a quick jerk of his head back, forcing his eyes to the heavens as if to ask the Almighty “Seriously, why must I be subjected to this?”. Jane, obviously aware of her husband’s displeasure, takes a moment to think back on the many episodes of “that crappy CSI” that Tom loves so much, and feels justified. Surely, this chess game cannot continue without further strain on a once-loving marriage that has been reduced to a simple power struggle over what television program to watch. Yes, something must be done – but what?

Friends, the answer exists. As surely as I type this, I have had experiences similar to those of Tom and Jane. My wife has certain television programs that she truly enjoys watching (and that I, generally, can’t stand). The reverse is also true. For the first few months of our marriage, the surest way to get me to leave the room was to start watching Sex and the City, and you wouldn’t find my wife anywhere near the television if I were watching The Screen Savers. Then, on one brisk March evening, I embarked on a journey that would change our lives forever. For my lovely wife on her birthday, I purchased a brand new Tivo Series 2 DVR.

Now, for those of you who don’t own one of these little miracles, let me give you a two-sentence rundown of what they actually do. First, you can select shows to record by name, actor, genre or simple date and time – and you can have it do this in a recurring fashion. You also have the ability to fast-forward through advertisements on recorded programs and pause live television. As my good friend Tim once said, “First, there was fire. Then, there was Tivo”. Well said, Tim.

You may be asking “Sir! Tivo is certainly extraordinary, but how can it save my marriage!?”. Well, assuming the sole problem in your marriage revolves around arguing over what to watch, it certainly can. Now, if the husband in this relationship doesn’t let his pesky wedding vows get in the way of his dating other women – Tivo might not be the answer.

Let’s consider the list of opportunities a Tivo affords the average couple during their leisurely television viewing…

1. Compromise – After you’ve had your Tivo quietly humming along for a week or so, you’ll have yourself a pretty nice little catalog of unwatched programming from which to choose. Instead of “Dammit, Jane, why can’t we just watch 24?”, “Because we’ve seen it and I want to watch Gilmore Girls, you insensitive prick!” (and honestly, who wants that?) – you’ll find yourself having conversations more like “Kitten, what do you say we watch Gilmore Girls, then the Jack Bauer Pauer Hour?”, “Tom, that sounds fabulous – can I massage your feet?”.
2. Uninhibited Discussion – Another hypothetical for you – Tom and Jane are watching a program they both enjoy. For some reason, the commercials come on and nobody thinks to fast-forward them (a rookie mistake). An ad for the upcoming Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition comes on and Tom’s jaw hits the floor. Jane, in her femaleness, notices her husband gawking at the barely-clothed women. If this is a non-Tivo situation, she has anywhere from 1-4 minutes to address the issue with her boneheaded husband before the program resumes (hardly enough time to adequately make her point, I feel). Or, she could hit the big yellow “Pause” button and let loose with a torrent of her feelings on the matter, unaffected by the looming resumption of the program. And as we all know, communication is the key to a successful relationship…
3. Increased Productivity – This one is easy – the average “half-hour” television program contains about 22 minutes of actual (non-advertisement) programming. With some simple math, you can easily conclude that saving 8 minutes per half-hour of television viewing just makes sense.

Does all this sound a bit unrealistic? Even hyperbolic? Perhaps. But I can tell you from experience that the best argument in a marriage is the one you resolve before it starts. And there’s no reason in the world why you should be fighting over Desperate Housewives v. American Chopper when the argument can be avoided by simple getting a frickin’ Tivo.

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