The Cranking Widgets Blog

Part of the freak-out period a couple (particularly the breadwinner, statistically the father) goes through when they discover they’re going to have a baby is all the crap they’re going to need to buy. You’ll need food, clothes, diapers, furniture, etc. and before you know it, you’re giving yourself an ulcer thinking about how much this kid is going to cost you (and if there will still be rent money left over). Having been in that position fairly recently, I can tell you that it can indeed be quite terrifying.

But dear friends, there is hope. While the lovely ad executives would have you believe that you need to go broke buying junk for your new baby, let the little man on the other shoulder tell you something – you don’t need to buy all of it. Really, there are a great many “must-haves” that are absolutely optional (and with a little creativity, replaceable). You see, I have a son who is just about 20 months old – and I’ve done this before. While I’m certainly no Mike Brady, I know what’s involved in having a baby around the house. All this is to say: trust me – I know what I’m talking about.

Now, I’m not saying that these things are inherently useless. And there are going to be people who found one or more of these items to be absolutely essential, and that’s fine – we’ll just agree to disagree. The following list is meant for babies up to about 6 months old (i.e., not toddlers). Here goes…

1. Diaper Receptacles – Next time you’re at a baby store like Babies R Us or whatever, have a gander at all of the glorified garbage cans they have lining the aisles and end-caps. Seriously folks, these things will set you back about $40 and are, in my opinion, a waste of money. The idea behind them is that you can put dirty diapers inside and they’ll seal in any unpleasant odors. While this is a fantastic theory, a couple of counter-arguments can be made. First, you have to open it to add a fresh diaper. And when you do, any offensive stink that’s living inside will come wafting into your face. Second – if your child is breastfed, their ‘doodoo’ simply doesn’t smell that bad. At least, nothing resembling a comparable adult offering. So do your self a favor and hang onto the grocery bags you get when you do the shopping, they work just fine – and make regular trips the trash.
2. Shoes – This item (and, to a greater degree, the one to follow) carry a special exception. If you are going to some formal event like a wedding and you’re going to bring your baby, you may feel like they should be dressed to the nines. While I don’t necessarily agree with that notion, I can understand the perspective. Otherwise, having shoes for your infant is completely unnecessary. Why? Because they can’t walk. Their feet don’t need protection from the gravel roads of the 3rd century. It’s an expense that you certainly needn’t incur.
3. 3 Piece Suits/Dresses – You know what my son wore for the first 6 months of his life? Onesies. If you don’t know what a onesie is, imagine a single-piece outfit that you can buy in packages of 6 for about $15. Again, if you’re off to your cousin Herschel’s bar mitzvah and you want your kid in a monkey suit, be my guest. But people who drop a jackson on a combination button-down shirt and sweatervest with matching slacks – heed my words. They might wear it one time, or you’ll get him gussied up just for a laugh so you can take pictures. So save your money and use the $20 on a case of Huggies. Oh, and since you will be getting plenty of clothes like this as shower gifts, keep an eye peeled for gift receipts when opening the shower gifts.
4. Baby Bath Equipment – If you have a child, chances are you have some sort of dwelling with running water. Which means you probably have a kitchen sink. This is a perfectly suitable place to bathe your child. You don’t need to spend $50 on a table-top bath rig with a seat warmer and built-in stereo. Again, next time you’re at the baby store, look around for a big sponge with a baby-shaped indentation on one side. It should set you back $2.50 or so, and you can throw it out when the kid craps on it. So, better yet, get 2 or 3 – but leave the UltraBath 3000 on the shelf where it belongs.
5. 99% of Toys – Another thing you’ll get a pantload of at your baby shower is toys. Rattles, plush animals, sets of plastic rings or blocks, etc. I’ve got news for you – your kid won’t even be able to sit up by himself until he’s 6 months old, let alone solve the Rocky and Bullwinkle jigsaw puzzle his Aunt Madge got for him to play with. So, if you get them as gifts, stow them someplace out of the way or return them for the cash. And for Pete’s sake, don’t buy them. The only thing we found useful for entertaining our baby was a little floor mat with a colorful mobile-type situation sticking out of it. My son would lay there and look at it, and it would make him happy. The rest of it just took up space.

It’s not that any of these things are inherently bad – I’m not saying that at all. I just think that for new parents (who, most of the time, don’t have a money tree in the backyard), it’s easy to be won over by the cute stuff like the tuxedo made for a 3-month-old, when the cash used to buy it could buy a week’s worth of formula or about 80 diapers. And know that, when the time comes, you will be unable to resist the tomato halloween costume and the light blue fedora. Just try to keep in mind that this baby stuff tends to add up pretty freakin’ quick.

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